


Changes

by NocturnalNautica (EarthGirl)



Series: Sparkling AU [3]
Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One)
Genre: Brief potentially disturbing imagery in a dream, Discussion of Abortion, Gen, M/M, Mech Preg, Psychological Trauma, Transformer Sparklings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 04:15:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14324355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EarthGirl/pseuds/NocturnalNautica
Summary: Optimus Prime is going through a rough time. A long-lost mythical artifact forced him into a leadership position he never wished for, his lover became a tyrant, and, on top of it all, he is certain that his body hasn't adjusted well to the Matrix. Why else would he keep feeling nauseous every single morning?





	Changes

His surroundings were immersed in green light. He felt warm, safe, comfortable, _loved_ … Megatron smiled sweetly at him and cradled his face, and he leaned in for a perfect kiss. When it was over he onlined his optics, in perfect bliss, and realized that the floor around their berth was covered in bodies. He screamed.

“It’s alright, sweetspark,” said Megatron. “I only killed them so I could get to Zeta, see? I saved you, I saved everyone. Zeta is dead, and now we can rule Cybertron together.”

He tried to protest, but Megatron was caressing him, so softly, so sweetly… Repulse and desire fought within him as Megatron whispered against his receptors.

“You and I, my love, rulers of the universe. Doesn’t that sound good?” Megatron smiled and practically purred the following sentence. “Peace through tyranny.”

Optimus woke with a gasp, and his systems took a moment to absorb his real surroundings and inform him that the entire scenario had in fact been just a nightmare. His thermostat told him that he was slightly overheated, as his processor shouldn’t have been working that much during recharge, and he cooled down the room temperature and activated his fans before lying again and trying to calm down.

Two weeks had passed since he had returned to the surface of Cybertron as a Prime, and they might easily be counted among the worst of his life. After his fall he had apparently been gone for five days, and was presumed dead by everyone. And in his absence, everything had changed. Megatron had killed Zeta and taken control of the planet. Instead of arranging for elections, however, he had proclaimed himself planetary leader and run Cybertron with an iron fist, his glorious revolution turned into a cheap coup. Optimus had been forced to call upon Metroplex for help to remove the Decepticons from power, and the two groups were now at war.

Megatron had proved himself to be no better than Zeta, or Sentinel, or any of them. Optimus saw proof of that every day since his return, but he was still struggling to accept it. He and Megatron had spark merged!  Had things not gotten to that point, Optimus would probably have believed everything Megatron told him during their private moments together to have been a lie, and would have scheduled some sessions with Rung  to talk about his sparkbreak and sense of betrayal.

But this… He was not sure how to open up to a therapist about this. Spark merging meant that he had _felt_ Megatron’s real feelings. Merging can’t be faked, everyone knew that, and therefore… Therefore, Megatron _did_ love him. Optimus couldn’t understand how that was possible, how someone capable of committing as many atrocities as Megatron had these past few weeks could be capable of love, of desperation for affection, or of any of the emotional openness and softness Megatron had shared with him that day.

But people are complex, and Optimus wasn’t one to talk. Because even after having heard about and watched proof of Megatron’s post-Zeta activities, even after seeing footage of the speech in which Megatron claimed Iacon and threatened any who resisted his coup, even after two weeks of open war that had already claimed lives on both sides, and even after having learned that Megatron’s method for saving the Autobots from Zeta after the fight in Nyon had been to overload the vamparc weapons by throwing innocents at them, even after all of that…

He still… He still lo…

He quickly sat on the edge of the berth, right in time to hurl inside a bucket he’d brought to the room the previous day. Trembling, he lay down again and pressed his hands against his optics.

The nights since his return hadn't been any easier than his days. Often he wouldn’t be able to recharge, and when he did it was to wake up mid-nightmare, feeling worse than he did before going to berth. Bumblebee was afraid of him disappearing again, so they had tried to move the child's crib to Optimus' room on the first night he spent back at home. This way, if Bumblebee woke up in the middle of the night, he'd be able to immediately see that his father was right there. But the move soon proved to be a mistake, as Optimus woke up screaming at 3 in the morning, which had naturally disturbed Bumblebee far more than sleeping alone did. Bee was now back in his own berthroom, which was right next door, and Optimus had installed a system that sent an alert right to his processor if there was any disturbance in the sparkling's room, waking him if necessary. But even with that measure in place, he couldn’t help feeling like a horrible parent.

And in a way, that feeling didn’t apply just to Bumblebee. Some of his worst moments were the ones in which he questioned if he had failed Damus as a guardian. He had no doubt in his spark that Megatron loved that boy and would do whatever he judged to be his best to be a good father, but… Megatron loved him and Terminus too. While hearing the story of the evacuation of Messantine Optimus had agreed that leaving was the only thing Megatron could have done, but after what had happened between them he found himself having doubts. He understood Megatron’s desperation to get to Zeta, but helping Optimus out of the chasm would only have taken a few seconds. Perhaps Megatron had told the truth when he said he could have tried harder to look for Terminus. Perhaps no matter how much he loved a person, his cause would always come first for him. And if that was the case… What would become of Damus?

And even if Optimus's fears on that account proved to be unfounded and Megatron was as careful and protective a father as it could be wished for… How would a child raised under the mantra of “peace through tyranny” see the world? What effect would that upbringing have on Damus’s mind, and what type of adult would he grow up to be?

Trying to put these thoughts away from his processor, Optimus decided to get up and start his day. However, he had barely left the berth when the room started to spin and he had to sit down. He sighed. Would this ever stop? Ever since his return he’d been feeling nauseous every damn morning and having random dizzy spells when he least expected. Ratchet had given him a thorough check-up and proclaimed that he was healthier than ever- in fact, he had started making plans to conduct a scientific study of the Matrix to try to understand how it had fixed Optimus’ wounds so well. But even with all of Ratchet’s reassurances, Optimus was certain something was wrong with him. He knew his friend was the best medic in the world, and it would never occur to him to question his diagnostic, but the effects of the Matrix upon a patient’s body were something Ratchet was encountering for the first time. Perhaps it would be better to ask for another examination.

An alert pinged on his processor, letting him know there was movement on the next room. Bumblebee was up. Optimus quickly sent a message to Ratchet, asking for a medical appointment before the start of the Autobots’ daily routine, then forced himself to get up. The dizziness came, but he dimmed his optics until it passed, and went to his son as soon as he was able.

 

* * *

 

“I was worried when I woke up to your message,” Ratchet said when they met at the medibay two hours later. “What is happening, and why didn’t you wake me if you were too sick to wait until my regular consulting hours?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you. It’s probably nothing. The Matrix must be interfering slightly with something, that’s all.”

“Optimus, we don’t know anything about the Matrix. Understanding the effects it had on your body will be long work, so in the future, if you suspect it’s giving you medical trouble, please tell me at once, no matter how insignificant that trouble may seem. I’ll have to check for the common causes of your symptoms, and then investigate how the Matrix is connected to those systems. We don’t know how long it may take me to find the answer.”

“Alright, I’ll be more careful in the future, but I really don’t think this is anything serious. I’ve just been feeling a lot of nausea since the Matrix changed me, and it’s difficult to get up in the morning because I feel dizzy. Sometimes I have dizziness spells through the day too. Maybe I should have told you sooner, but you know how busy everything’s been…”

“Yes, I know,” said Ratchet. Something in his tone gave Optimus pause, and he realized his friend was looking at him with troubled optics.

“Is something wrong?”

“No, don’t worry. Wait a moment.” Ratchet walked to one of the medibay berths and typed something on the computer connected to it. “Could you lie down here, please?”

Optimus did, feeling apprehensive. Ratchet connected him to the diagnostic cable and pursed his lips when he stared at the results that appeared on the screen above Optimus's head.

“Well,” he stated in a neutral tone, “it seems the Matrix is innocent.”

“Ratchet, what’s wrong?”

“Hopefully nothing.” Ratchet hesitated, then looked into his optics. “Optimus, you’re sparked.”

A faint buzz seemed to take over his audial receptors. The room lost focus. His confusion lasted for a few seconds, after which the significance of Ratchet’s words seemed to sink in, and his spark tightened in fear.

“No…” he muttered faintly. “No, I can’t be…”

“I’m sorry,” Ratchet said softly. “I was hoping it would be good news.”

It should have been. Being sparked had always been one of Optimus’ dearest dreams. He adored sparklings and, as a single child of parents who had died on duty early in his adulthood, he had always longed for a large family. In an ideal world he would adopt at least one more sparkling, give birth to one or two, and have a loving conjunx who would carry another one.

But the world was as far from ideal as it could possibly be, and Optimus didn’t know what to do. His parents, who had both been cops, had always told him they’d been lucky to survive long enough to raise him. Optimus had grown watching his parents lose their coworkers, and had always prepared himself for the possibility of being widowed early. The episode with Shockwave later taught him that there was more than one way of being widowed. With all that he had seen and suffered in his life, he had foolishly believed that by now he had thought of and prepared for every family problem he might ever encounter.

But it never, ever crossed his mind that he might one day find himself expecting the child of the opposing leader in a war. What would such a child’s life even be like, what would Megatron do if he found out, what…

“Optimus? Can you hear me? Please, talk to me.”

Ratchet’s concerned voice startled him back to the present moment. He sat up in berth and accepted a glass that Ratchet was offering him, containing some calming variety of energon. As he drank, Ratchet spoke in a soothing tone.

“It’s alright, old friend. We’ll figure it out. It’s alright.”

“It’s not!” Optimus protested, finishing his drink and feeling slightly more grounded, but not at all calmer. “I… I don’t know what to do, Ratchet, I…”

“You’re going to do whatever you want to,” Ratchet said firmly. “It’s entirely your choice, and I’ll be here to help you as soon as you make it.”

“It’s not a choice I ever thought I’d _have_ to make. You know me well enough to know that. This…” Optimus tremulously put his hands over his stomach, “I’ve always dreamed of this.”

“But?” Ratchet prompted kindly.

“But…” Optimus’s vocalizer seemed stuck. Everything in him screamed against saying the words aloud, against taking a step that would force him out of the stage of denial. But no matter what, he couldn’t do this alone. He needed Ratchet, as both medic and best friend. Sighing to gather courage, he tried to force himself to say it. “But the child is… _His_. It’s… It’s…”

Gently, Ratchet completed the sentence for him.

“Megatron’s?”

Optimus hang his head in shame.

“Yes. Were we that obvious?”

“No, I don’t think anyone else knows. I only noticed because we’ve been friends for a long time, and I’ve seen you in love before.”

With that, Ratchet sat by his side to pull him into a hug, and the contact with another frame made Optimus realize he was shaking.

“It’s alright, Optimus. It’s alright. Open your vents so you don’t overheat. Good. Now, I know you’re scared, but you’re not alone. We’ll figure this out, just like we figured a way to take care of Bumblebee, ok? Try to calm down, and when you’re able to talk, tell me what you want. Don’t think of the consequences yet, just… Think of what you want.”

Optimus did as he was told. After a few moments he let go of Ratchet and stared at the wall.

“What I _want_ is to keep the baby. But I don’t know if I should.”

“What do you mean, should?”

“I mean… Ever since I became Prime, I’ve been…” He stopped abruptly. The word “Prime” brought a new question to his mind, and he grabbed Ratchet’s arm in sudden horror. “The Matrix! Ratchet, did the Matrix do anything to my sparkling?!?”

Before Ratchet could say anything, Optimus felt a strange sense of tranquility spread from his chest to the rest of his body. He groaned. He was still unused to the Matrix communicating with him like that.

“Good question. It’s too early to say,” Ratchet replied, looking as if he was trying to hide a great deal of anxiety. “But if you choose to carry, we’ll monitor the child closely and keep an eye on any anomalies, don’t worry.”

“Thank you, old friend. I… I believe the Matrix is trying to assure me that it’d never touch a vulnerable protoform, but I’d rather have confirmation from you.”

Ratchet frowned. Being the staunch rationalist that he was, he was having a bit of trouble getting used to the mythical artifact, and Optimus knew he wouldn’t feel completely comfortable around it until he had at least begun to find some scientific explanations for its functioning.

“I’ll do everything in my power to ensure the baby grows up as it should, if you decide to have him. But you were explaining what you meant by not knowing if you ‘should’ do it?”

“Oh, right. You see…” Optimus sighed. “There hasn’t been a single second since my return that I haven’t spent worrying about what my Primacy will mean for Bumblebee. I never meant to become this famous or high-profile, and I’m not sure I know how to keep him safe under these circumstances. What if someone tries to kidnap or hurt him to get to me? But… When I start worrying too much about this, it helps me to remember that being with me is still what is best for Bumblebee. No parent can keep their child completely safe, and Bumblebee’s situation would be much more dangerous if I hadn’t adopted him. He’s safe from the streets, from hunger, from becoming ill due to neglect…”

Ratchet nodded and waited for him to continue.

“Bumblebee was already in serious trouble when Shockwave and I found him, and everything I did has improved his situation. But _this_ sparkling,” said Optimus, touching his abdomen, “any danger he faces is my fault. And if I choose to bring him into the world, he’ll be in even more danger than Bumblebee is, because he’s not only mine. He’s Megatron’s as well. We would never reach a custody agreement, I’m pretty sure of that. What would happen to the baby, then? Growing up in a war is already a horrifying experience for any child. But being the offspring of the two opposing leaders? Can you imagine how confusing that would be, how frightening? People on both sides would target him, and I just… I want him, Ratchet, but I can’t be selfish. I have to do what is best for _him_ , and maybe that would not putting him through such a troubling life.”

Ratchet thought for a long moment.

“ _Must_ Megatron know about him?” He asked at last.

Optimus laughed, a bit desperate.

“I’m sure he’ll do the math if he hears I had a child. Unless… Are you suggesting I give birth, but don’t keep the sparkling? I… Don’t know if I can do that. I don’t trust any orphanages other than ours. I suppose I _could_ put him there and raise him with the others…”

“No, that’s not quite what I meant. How would you feel about putting him in the orphanage when he's born, but adopting him after a few months? Then you could keep him, but no one but us would have to know the truth.”

Optimus shook his head.

“Too risky. I’m certain Megatron would still be suspicious.”

“He would. But then his next step would be to investigate the child’s documents and your recent medical history, and I think we could fool him there. I’m sure you know how to falsify the sparkling’s registry in a convincing way, and as for your medical reports… I could falsify those too, and write a few things that might lead Megatron’s doctors to believe the Matrix has made you infertile. I’d keep that version with my other patients’ records, and in any other place where Decepticon spies might think of looking.”

Optimus’ optics widened.

“Megatron would think I adopted a young baby as a reaction to the news that I’d never be able to carry one. It might work… If we’re extremely careful…”

“We have time to plan everything. If that’s what you decide to do, of course. It was only a suggestion.”

Optimus nodded and considered the matter. He remembered the intense love he and Megatron had briefly shared, and how excited Megatron had been to become Damus’s father, and a feeling of intense guilt filled him. How could he consider hiding something this important from someone he claimed to love?

But then he remembered the video of Megatron taking over Iacon. “We Decepticons now control Iacon’s data net and defense grids. Our soldiers keep the peace in your sectors! **We** are the law now!” He thought of the innocent bystanders Megatron hadn’t hesitated to throw at the Vamparc Ribbon to delay Zeta, and of the threat Megatron had made, once in power, to use Vamparc technology against those who opposed him. Optimus’ digits curled protectively over his stomach. No, this wasn’t the time to think of Megatron. Optimus had already been responsible for one child ending up in the toxic environment that the Decepticon base must have turned into after the attempted coup, and he was not going to repeat that mistake.

Neither was it the time to think of himself. The child was all that mattered, and Ratchet’s plan would allow the baby to be born and live in relative safety, so he couldn’t see any other choice. Any trouble Optimus had to go through to ensure the plan’s success, any discomfort he might feel about lying to his child’s father (and, indeed, to the rest of the universe. He and Ratchet must be the only ones to know the truth, he couldn’t afford to trust anyone else with a secret this big), those were meaningless when it came to his sparkling’s wellbeing. It was decided.

“Yes, I think that's the best plan.” He sighed and grasped Ratchet’s arm with a friendly pressure. “I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to thank you, old friend. For this and for so much more.”

“There’s no need for thanks. This is what friends are for, and we both know you’d do the same for me.”

Optimus nodded. He felt tears of gratitude beginning to well up on his optics, and cursed at himself. Wasn’t it too early for pregnancy to be affecting his emotions like this?

Ratchet must have noticed his embarrassment, for he immediately attempted to lighten the mood.

“Besides, Optimus, once the baby is born I won’t be the only one helping you. All of our friends will be there, and also,” his voice suddenly turned teasing, “I doubt a handsome, charismatic man like you will be single for long. Especially already coming with two cute sparklings as part of the deal.”

The joke’s effect was the opposite of what Ratchet had intended. After the way his two previous attempts at a romantic relationship had ended, just the thought of trying again was enough to send Optimus into panic. Realizing his mistake, Ratchet apologized profusely as he helped Optimus to calm down.

“It’s alright,” Optimus said after a few moments. “I really appreciate the attempt at levity, Ratchet, but I think my dating days are done, even in jokes. But don’t worry, I’m… I’m fine with that. I have a lovely son, a second one on the way, and wonderful friends to help me to raise them. I don’t need a conjunx to consider myself a lucky man.” Wanting to move away from that topic, he forced himself to smile and throw the teasing right back at Ratchet. “But what about you? Met anyone interesting lately?”

Ratchet let out a sarcastic laugh.

“Yes, sure. My work doesn’t get in the way of dating at all. Medic’s hours are famously flexible, didn’t you know?”

“You could meet someone while working.”

“Yes, because medibays are deeply romantic places, very conductive to courtships."

Ratchet's familiar dry humor was a nice break from the seriousness of the past weeks, so Optimus kept going.

“Office romance is not your thing, then? Pity. Pharma will be sparkbroken.”

Ratchet mock-punched his shoulder, and Optimus found himself laughing for the first time since he’d become Prime. It was true what he’d said minutes before. Even with all the troubles in his life, having friends like Ratchet made him a _very_ lucky mech.

The joking moment passed, but it left them both feeling well enough to begin discussing their next steps. Ratchet calmly talked Optimus through the changes he’d have to make to his routine during the pregnancy, and the exams they’d have to make later that day to determine which type of sentio supplements Ratchet would prescribe.

Hearing the plan be described in a professional tone and in very practical terms helped Optimus to feel that it was something they could accomplish. His anxiety melted away, and he felt that everything was going to be alright. He would make it through this crisis, and somehow he and his sons would be alright.

His sons. The plural caused him to smile under his faceplate. It was a pity he’d have to wait such a long time to tell Bee that he was going to gain a baby brother, but the image of his two boys playing together would be a good one to keep him going through whatever troubles appeared in his way. He felt a flicker of hope in his spark. He simply couldn't wait to see what their little family's dynamic would be like.


End file.
